Letter to 40 Day-ers
November 14th, 2011
Hi all you shiny, flexible, strong people!
Many of you found me at our “Triumph” party to express your gratitude. I’m writing in a “look-what-they-did,” very public manner, to thank each of you right back in a big, heartfelt, expansive, smiling, joyful way. Thank-you — with all of those qualities infused!
It’s been about week since you completed “40 days to Personal Revolution” and from what I’ve witnessed, you’re quaking with new found insights, connections, and deep truths.
I have a hunch, too, (gleaned from the number of sparkling-sheeny eyes), that you’ve kneaded your hearts — through consistent daily practice — into ever softer, wiser, more receptive ones.
Epiphany-rejoicing of the best kind!
Your softness and sparkliness have inspired me to spend more time in stillness – on the yoga mat, sitting in meditation, reading good-heart-expanding-stuff, writing, and opening up to the present. I am equally roused to love more fully, hence my gratitude letter to you.
I’ve heard the third time is a charm, yet this was the second time I co-guided this program with Scott, and it was revelatory!
Let me explain.
During my maiden voyage co-steering 40-days, I had this crazy confused idea that it was, at least, in part up to me, to ask a life-altering question, or say something, one thing, that would be, you know, the epic thing, to send you sailing toward your right life. (No pressure or anything.)
So, before each meeting, I dutifully scribbled sage teachings and brilliant guidance into the margins of my class outline, just in case the opportunity arose to blow open a soul or two, catalyzing a transformation toward a deeply fulfilling life.
Ok, everyone together now: Big guffaw! Still guffawing? Yeah, I am too.
Looking back, I can see that this came from a place of fear, rather than a place of faith. My attempt to over-control was a kind of forgetting. I had forgotten to trust the process, and have confidence in the practices.
This time around, I let go. I trusted the practices to do their thing.
My revelation: Have faith in the methods!
Over the past few years, a deep sense of confidence has arisen in me, from the recognition that if we slow down, look within, become more familiar with our minds, and care lovingly for our bodies, we are more able to face all of what life delivers with an inner well of strength and freedom. It can be a freaking crazy-storm of crappy circumstances in our outer life, yet with a healthy interior state, we always have a reservoir of peace.
Now, I am certain, as in no doubt about it, that no matter what might be swirling around in our outer life, there is always, at our core, a potential for flourishing.
I know, too, as in no doubt about it, that we’ll never find a fast-food outlet dishing up inner freedom. We have to practice our way toward a life full of meaning.
And oh, how all of you dedicated 40 day-ers practiced!
- You chose to arrive on your yoga mats, six days out of seven, inhabiting your bodies, attending to your breath, and tuning inward.
On the mat, in flow, you were invited to be still in motion. And yoga did its thing, as it tends to do: sensations rise and dissolve, emotions rise and dissolve, and thoughts are dropped, as the postures and the breath call for your focus. Again and again, you are invited to unhook from rambling thoughts, and allow and make space for visiting sensations and emotions.
- You chose to sit in meditation — twice a day for 40 days. This is a commitment in the world we live in, twittering with easy distractions and ways to escape.
I could write a Whitman-esque “Song of Meditation,” but you know the song already, because you practiced. You nod knowingly when reading the research about how meditating 20 minutes a day for 6 – 8 weeks strengthens the power of attention, reduces anxiety, and increases one’s general state of well-being. If you’ve meditated longer, perhaps you’ve found you can get disentangled from the mental static that perpetuates suffering, and find clarity and peace. This makes you happy and you can share that lovey-happy-goodness with others.
- You chose to give up food insta-stimulants and food insta-chill-axers, plus every possible food attachment you might have had!
Breaking your food routines helped you establish more mindfulness around eating. You were invited to notice areas in your diet where the force of habit had become strong. And you practiced eating and living in ways that were conscious and creative rather than habitual.
- You chose to engage in weekly meetings, at the end of a work-day, and brought your authenticity to your fellow 40 day-ers.
In showing up fully each week, you created a community where there is kindheartedness, support, openness, creativity, vulnerability (and shelter), play, strength, levity, and love.
I am tremendously grateful to all of you for reminding me to continue cultivating a way of being that is not so subject to patterns of habitual thinking. A way of being that is about growing in love, inner freedom and lightheartedness.
I appreciate you, and I celebrate you, your dedication to practice, and your personal revolution!
xoxoxoxo Love, Lauren
Weeoooweeooo! Food Craving Rescue Squad (FCRS) Urgent Bulletin #1
January 19th, 2011
Drop your control-freaky-weapons, please!
Methods which aim to master, reduce, challenge, eliminate, ignore, deny, or get rid of food cravings are not likely to work, and may even backfire!
While, we at the FCRS recognize food cravings are single-minded and tenacious, they don’t tend to back down when quarreled with. In fact, the more desperately you try to make the cravings go away, the more they may begin to bother you.
Psychologists call this cognitive ironic processing, or the “White Bear Principle,” — try not to think of something and the thing you are trying to get rid of gets more insistent, or tightens it’s grip. It’s like when you try to get a song out of your head, and on and on it sings.
So what do you do if the food cravings won’t leave? Do you have to give into them?
In this situation our minds tend to spit out two choices: “I have to get rid of this craving,” or “I have to eat this now.”
This FCRS bulletin is intended to present another possibility – - one that might be more helpful and empowering in the long run. This new approach is based on simple, but very powerful magical skills, borrowed from a school of psychology called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. We’ll also be getting a little help from our colleague, Severus Snape.
But first, four helpful facts about food cravings:
Fact one: Food cravings are strong or intense urges to eat a particular food, often “highly palatable” foods. These foods also tend to be high in fat and calories. Food cravings are distinguished from other urges to eat, such as those occurring in a true state of hunger, by their intensity and specificity. Intensity refers to the tendency for people to go out of their way to get their hands on the desired food. Specificity implies that only a certain food, or type of food will satisfy the craving.
Fact two: Food cravings are on the rise due to dark forces that conspire to bring cheap, tasty, delectable food to the corner nearest you. You live in what social scientists call an “obesogenic environment,” which simply means food that hijacks your brain to want-want-want is available pretty much everywhere.
Fact three: We are biologically wired and physiologically choreographed to want to seek out and eat calorie-dense foods. Dopamine releasing neurons rev up when a desired food is near, and powerfully promote more wanting. Eating the craved food results in a surge of natural opioids in your brain. These “pleasure chemicals,” are soothing, reduce pain, and produce an elated high. Skip a meal, and you’ll find evolution has put a gnawing pain in your gut to keep you alive. So you can’t just NOT eat.
Fact four: Strong emotional states, particularly sadness, boredom and stress are related to increases in food cravings. Humans tend to do things to avoid experiencing unpleasant emotions. We may not like having certain feelings and thoughts and sometimes we struggle with trying to make them go away. And one way some of us do that is to emotionally eat. This appears to work in the short term, bringing on a relief of tension and a rush of biochemical pleasure. In the long term, it sets a pattern of more weight gain AND increased persistence of the emotion we are trying to get rid of!
So given that food cravings are normal, natural and expected, what should you do when food cravings arise and you’d rather not act on them?
While we may feel wholly at the mercy of the dopamine neurons firing in our brain, we have an inherent and uniquely human ability which can make our cravings a heck of a lot less compelling: self-awareness.
“If you can get some space and distance from the craving,” says Professor Snape, “you can see that there are choices about how to respond. Just allowing the craving to exist can take away its insistence. Regardless of whatever you are craving, feeling, thinking, or experiencing internally, you have a choice over what action you choose to engage in.”
FCRS psychologists call this process of watching a craving, “urge surfing.” Like waves, your cravings rise, and then pass away. Eventually the cravings recede — you don’t have to act upon them, or push them away. The more willing you are to get on your board and ride the craving out, the less your cravings will hook you, and the more space you’ll have to make a choice that you’ll be content with in the long run.
Fortunately, Professor Snape came up with a handy acronym to help you remember how to practice these skills, so you can make choices that will help you head in a direction that enhances your life.
Naturally, the acronym is S-N-A-P-E
S: Set an intention. What do you value about learning how to manage your food cravings and eat healthier? What personal qualities do you want to cultivate in the process? Set your intention to grow those qualities — whether they be persistence, focus, courage, flexibility, self-kindness, freedom, gratitude or some other personal quality. Keep your intention at the forefront of your mind. While it might not always be easy to turn down the glazed donut twist, it feels good to cultivate the best parts of yourself!
N: Notice the craving. When a craving arises, simply notice it. Step back and see it from a distance, “I see myself having a craving for a cookie right now.” You might find it helpful to say something like, “Stepping back,” or “Watching my mind.”
A: Acknowledge the craving. The craving is here and you may not like it, or want it but you can open up to the reality that this is what you are experiencing in this moment. You may notice feelings in your body, and you can acknowledge those too, “Here’s a feeling of boredom,” “Here’s a feeling of insecurity.” Or you may notice judgments, “Hmm, I see my mind is busy with the same old judgments.” Whatever cravings or feelings or thoughts your mind churns out, they are okay and don’t have to be changed or extinguished.
P: Practice making space. While noticing and acknowledging, it’s normal to get hooked by a thought or a feeling, or get caught up in the intensity of a craving. Experientially, this feels like a tightening in your body. It’s like being locked in a crowded broom closet with the craving pressing on you. Imagine opening the closet and letting your cravings, thoughts and feelings roam amidst a wide open space. In time, they’ll recede.
The easiest and most direct way to do this is to bring focus to your breath and your posture. Roll back your shoulders, open up your chest, extend the crown of your head toward the ceiling, and take deep breaths into and around the strong cravings or feelings in your body. Keep breathing into the craving and you may notice, little by little, you are making more space around it. It can be helpful to say “Making space,” or “I don’t want this, but I can make space for it.”
E: Engage in what’s happening around you. Notice what you can see, hear, or touch around you. Notice your head, neck, shoulders, arms, legs. Have a nice stretch or let out a big yawny-yawn. Continue to notice and ride the wave of your craving while simultaneously increasing your connection to the world around you. In this powerful state of awareness and engagement, you can make choices that are consistent with your health goals and values.
Presto, you’ve surfed your first wave! And if you’d like to become better at riding out cravings, watch your mind trying to dissuade you from practicing…
Look out for next month’s Food Craving Rescue Squad Bulletin in which we’ll give you some troubleshooting tips and another fun strategy discovered by some innovative neuroscientists!
Creating Room For Internal Mess
May 31st, 2010
“Our wisdom is all mixed up with what we call our neurosis. Our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness, is all mixed up with our craziness and our confusion, therefore it doesn’t do any good to try to get rid of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also get rid of our basic wonderfulness.”
My yoga teacher, Scott reads this teaching a lot — and my guess is, not just because it’s kind to remind us of our basic wonderfulness. I think he returns to this quote because it butts right up against our natural human instincts: HUH? It doesn’t do any good to get rid of our so-called negative aspects? What are you talking about?!! Getting rid of scary stuff is what we evolved to do!
The human instinct to move toward safety and pleasure and way-the-heck-away from danger and pain is hard-wired into our brains. And it would be pretty satisfying if we could spear all our negative aspects and burn them to ashes in a primeval fire. If only it worked.
Reflecting on this natural propensity to “get rid of,” I asked each of my boys Owen (10) and Lucas (7), “What would you do if a scary monster was lurking outside your house?
Their minds, no surprise, spit out solutions at warp speed.
Owen came up with these, without stopping for air:
- We could ambush it from a tree fort with rocks and pine cones,
- We could nail it with the Nerf Heavy Duty Pumper dart gun,
- Lucas could wiggle around and distract it while I snuck up from behind and hit it over the head with a baseball bat
- We could blare really loud, annoying music at it.
And on and on he went. His mind, like all of ours, is a birring-whirring solution-producing machine.
Lucas, Zen master, said we wouldn’t have to do anything unless the monster attacked us, because we should only protect ourselves in self-defense. He then came up with his own staggering list of defensive options including the giggle-inducing idea of using the Wuxi finger hold a la Kung Fu Panda.
Scary monster problem? SKADOOSH!
I noticed neither one of my kids said, “We could try to make friends with it.” Or “Maybe he’s not as scary as he looks,” or anything of that sort. Their immediate instinctive responses to “‘scary monster,” were protective.
And, it makes complete, self-protective sense that we would want to get rid of, or fix, or be done with negative aspects in our inner world much like we would get rid of monsters lurking outside our house.
Loneliness? Fear? Grief? Sadness? Disappointment? SKADOOSH!
But what if our efforts at avoiding, getting rid of, and fixing internal monsters not only don’t work, but bring us suffering and keep us stuck?
What if we spend so much energy and time fighting our emotions that we’ve got nothing left to do the stuff that really matters to us?
For instance, maybe we try to get rid of emotional emptiness by overeating. Then we at least feel full, or numb. Anything but empty. We live in service to getting rid of emptiness. But the emptiness returns again and again, only it’s hungrier.
Maybe we attempt to banish anxiety by avoiding situations that might “trigger” more stress. We create artificial safety, but our lives get smaller.
Maybe we evade fear by procrastinating. We hide our imperfections, and in the process miss the chance to share our best stuff.
I’ve tried just about every emotional-avoidance maneuver at one time or another, and although I do get the highly sought after short-lived relief, the inner-emotional ICK is only temporarily mollified.
Within minutes or hours, the emotional ICK returns, somehow skewed, magnified, or more insistent by my attempts to evade it. “Mwah, hah, hah, I’m baa-acck!”
When I get all caught up in trying to control my internal space, I miss everything happening in the present. It’s like being on a hamster wheel, spinning-spinning-spinning, while I could be using that glycogen to do something I value instead.
In my experience, efforts to get rid of difficult emotions, thoughts, sensations, or urges lead to a life that gets constricted, smaller, airless.
If it doesn’t do any good to get rid of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also lose sight of our basic goodness, our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness then,
WHAT is the alternative ?!
For me that answer has been acceptance, or what I prefer to call willingness. (I don’t love the word acceptance, because it sounds too much like resignation to me, which it’s decidedly not. I like the word willingness which I borrowed from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Willingness sounds to me like an active choice, which acceptance decidedly is.)
Acceptance or Willingness is opening up, making space and room for emotions and sensations, allowing what arises to be there.
Rather than trying to avoid or control my thoughts, memories, emotions or sensations, my practice now, is all about allowing the stuff I can’t change right in the moment to be there — while making oceans of space for it all to float around in.
Which isn’t to say fix it/get rid of/control strategies never help us in our quest for inner peace. Because in some ways they sort of can:
- When I clear out the clutter in my home & office, it’s more likely I will feel more peaceful and I can work better.
- When I keep my kitchen stocked with healthy choices, it’s more likely I’ll experience less cravings and this makes it easier to choose eating well.
- When I go for a run or to a yoga class, it’s more likely I will feel more open, receptive and grounded the rest of the day, which makes it easier to love better.
In a way, these external structures and rituals are control strategies that help me be more open and flexible internally. I have many rituals, big and small that help me cultivate qualities I like.
But sometimes I can go through all the rituals and structures, and still, I feel sad, or angry, or scared. That’s where acceptance is really, really helpful.
My yoga teachers often say, 99% experiential wisdom 1% philosophy. And acceptance/willingness is one of those concepts I’ve had to practice to “get.”
I made a list of some of the things I have learned about acceptance/willingness from my experience. In sharing my list, my hope is I might help you consider an alternative to the endless stuck-in-the-muck struggle of wanting things to be different than they are right now, this second.
What I’ve experienced about willingness:
- Willingness is a choice. I may not want or like what I am experiencing, but here it is, and I can be willing to have it.
- Willingness isn’t tolerance. Tolerance is gritting your teeth, white-knuckling, holding out as long as you can. Willingness is the act of opening and allowing things to be as they are in the moment.
- Willingness isn’t resignation. Or wallowing. It’s an active intentional choice to allow uncomfortable feelings, sensations, urges, or thoughts which arise to come and go without struggling with them, running away, or getting entangled in them.
- I can’t see what needs to change if I don’t look. Willingness opens me up to see things as they are, which helps me contact what is important and meaningful to me. Sometimes discomfort is a sign that I need to make changes in my work, my relationships, my health, my living space, or some other area of my life.
- Sometimes seeing things as they are is exquisitely painful. There may be a big gap between my immediate reality and the vision of how I want things to be. I can’t close the gap right this second or the next. Ouch.
- Willingness is easier when difficult mindy-stuff has lots of internal space in which to come and go. When I’m on the yoga mat, or sitting in meditation, or on a run, I can create some separation between who I am and what I am experiencing. Even the most intensely uncomfortable emotions become less urgent and softer when I give them an expanse of space to move in.
- All the time and energy that was caught up in fixing, getting rid of and controlling my internal space is freed up to do what matters to me. Instead of stopping and struggling and being stuck in place, I can live a vital, engaged life, inevitably touched with natural human pain and awkwardness.
- I don’t have to embrace everything all of the time. Sometimes it’s OK to temporarily avoid, escape or ignore. As long as my avoidance or escape isn’t keeping me rooted in stuckness. Escape hatches are useful now and then when I hide consciously and with the intention to restore and renew my energy.
- I am still practicing, practicing, practicing.
What about you?
Does the difficulty of making painful emotions go away make your life feel more difficult?
Looking to your experience, what have you learned about acceptance? Have you practiced acceptance, and found your life, however painful at times, opens up?
