basic goodness

How to Create a Healthy Ritual in Three Steps

January 1st, 2010

I used to be a big proponent of self-discipline. Grin and bear it. Suck it up. Just do it. Get it done. No pain, no gain. I could grit my way through early-morning runs, study medical textbooks for hours without budging, and eat virtuously healthy foods in between. Running, studying, and eating “clean” were all items on the to-do list. And yes, I got them done.

Even with this discipline, I refused to be “captive” to some kind of schedule. So I would run one day at 6:30 a.m., another at 8:30 p.m., and another mid-day crunched between classes. It was all very haphazard. And you know what? It wasn’t much fun. So much wasted energy went into figuring out each day I was already in.

I didn’t see this at the time. My inner free-wheeling hellion insisted that a schedule would be confining. (I know, this kind of goes against the discipline-thing, but that’s how it works — rein yourself in too tight, and some part of you is going to want to rebel against something.)

This attempt at spontaneity “worked” until three-quarters of the way through my primary care residency, I had my first son. Suddenly, all of the hours were taken. I was mothering or working. I wasn’t running much nor was I comfortably enveloped in the expansive silence of the library for hours on end.

I hadn’t lost my discipline. It was just too busy tending to other things. After a short while, without those regular doses of air and mind-space, I got a little raggedy around the edges. Scattered.

My husband, sensing I might start sawing through things, suggested something DUH, totally obvious. “Why don’t you schedule your runs and gym workouts, and get a sitter for the times I’m not around to take over?”

Garumphf. Scheduling workouts? So not-spontaneous. But, I listened to his advice, sort of. I started planning a tiny bit ahead. It was all very nonchalant. I might plan out a few days before me, but never more, because a regular schedule would cramp-my-style. And then all that nonchalant planning got really annoying. Days would go by with no sneaker-action. No quiet air. No open space.

Oh-why-do-we-have-to-learn-things-the-hard-way?

Somewhere along the way, I got smart. I set up four regular times to exercise. Four times that occurred on the same planned day at the same planned time, week after week, and month after month.

And what I discovered surprised me. The ritual gave me a greater sense of clarity and focus. I felt freer and less under siege. I loved knowing when I was going to get my slice of spaciousness. And no willpower or discipline was necessary. At the scheduled time, my job was to show up.

And then something really cool happened. I started getting intentional about how I spent that time. Did I want to cultivate playfulness? Connection? Focus? Gratitude? Creativity? I brought that intention to my workouts. And you know what? It was fun! It lit me up! I wasn’t just checking something off my list. My runs took on meaning. I used the time to connect purposefully with the values I cared about — and then I brought that energy back home, to the people in my life.

My love of ritual was born.

Since then, I have introduced dozens more rituals into my life — all aimed at living out, in a specific way, what I value most. There is the bedtime ritual I have with my kids, the date-night ritual, friend-rituals, the 3x weekly yoga ritual, the morning breakfast ritual, the way-I-prepare-to-work-with-a-client ritual. I have daily rituals, and rituals I engage in weekly, monthly, or to mark celebrations.

Save yourself the white knuckles. The secret to lasting change isn’t willpower.

As you think about the changes you want to manifest in your life in 2010, instead of focusing on cultivating self-discipline as a means toward change, maybe you begin to introduce one or two rituals at at time. You know, try it out, and see how it feels for you.

Inititating a ritual requires focus and commitment, but maintaining it is relatively easy. In contrast to discipline, which requires willing and pushing, a ritual, after a short time, pulls at you.

You are probably used to performing small rituals already, whether you realize it or not. Most of us brush our teeth at least twice a day, and in a certain way, without thinking about it. (We value clean teeth.) Top athletes show up at the field, the pool, or the court without fretting about it too much. (They value performing their best.)

Rituals, once set up, don’t require a lot of mental oomph. And the cool part is, you can redirect that freed-up energy to use in creative, more fulfilling ways.

In their book, The Power of Full Engagement, Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz explain, “Building rituals requires defining very precise behaviors and performing them at very specific times–motivated by deeply held values.”

If you eat in a healthy way, it is likely because you have built rituals around shopping and preparing food. If you are deeply connected with your kids, your friends, or your spouse, you have probably created rituals around spending connecting-time with them. Artists likely have rituals around noticing and appreciating beauty.

Liking this ritual idea? Here’s how you can create your own ritual in three steps:

Step One: Come up with a ritual you believe is consisent with a value you deem worthy. (You get to decide what you value!) It could be going on a 20 minute walk on Monday and Wednesday mornings, taking a guitar lesson every Tuesday evening, pleasure reading for an hour every other day, or playing a board or card game with your kids each Saturday afternoon.

Step Two: Enter your ritual into your planner and start doing it! It might be awkward at first to keep your new ritual. Your planned yoga class might coincide with a time you are on a major roll at work. It might be challenging to walk away. Try it out anyway. After about 4 – 6 weeks, your ritual will very likely start pulling at you.

Step Three: Monitor your progress. If you are trying to create more connection with your kids, it’s key to have rituals that support connection, but also to measure at the end of the day or week how well you’ve followed your plan. This isn’t a a time to judge or punish yourself. Go in with a light heart and some self-kindness. Your aim here is to live out your values in a specific way. If you are not following through, you may need to modify your ritual. It may be that the ritual isn’t grounded in a value or vision that is compelling to you. Or it may be because the goal you set is too daunting and needs to be broken down into smaller, more workable steps. Often times, we resist a new behavior because there is still something about the old way of doing things that is comforting or familiar, and we resist the awkwardness of the new. Whatever it is, take a tender look, and modify where necessary. And always celebrate your progress!

It’s best to introduce no more than one or two rituals at a time, and be sure they are feeling relatively easy on the mind before you introduce new ones. Over time, notice how the rituals you have built are bringing to life the values you hold most dear.

“There isn’t anything that isn’t made easier through constant familiarity and training. Through training, we can change; we can transform ourselves.” — the Dalai Lama

If you’d like, please leave a comment, especially if you’ve created a healthy ritual you would like to share,  if you’ve come up with a new one to introduce, or if you just want to say “rituals rock,” (or something like that).

Happy New Year!